December

Goodbye embarrassment studies </3

HI friends,

I am getting to the end of my year of embarrassment studies. Wednesday night I went with Alex and his siblings to see the Nutcracker in Center City. I was remembering watching Barbie’s the Nutcracker as a kid, and how much of that universe was specifically SO EXCITING to me: the sugar plum fairy, the candy universe, the way fairy tales are both genuinely terrifying and whimsical at once. That wonder and strangeness remain so central to what I want in my art.

I was also thinking a lot about perfectionism and about excellence at the ballet. I grew up thinking I needed to be the very best at something in order for my contributions to mean something—when it came to sports, to music, school, and I think that leaked into my understanding of myself within my social world too. I thought I had to be special in some way. I told myself a lot of stories about what I deserved and what I didn’t. Looking back now, I understand I developed a coping mechanism where I make sure to keep my hands in a lot of pots. If I’m good at a lot of things, then no one thing can break my heart when I’m not the very best. In some ways I think this is healthy! I was talking with Alex about it and he said if I forced myself to only work in one medium, that wouldn’t be the truest expression of my art. However, I think that has, in practice, meant I am intolerant of the details. If I focused on getting something perfect, I would get stuck! I wouldn’t submit my poetry anywhere, I wouldn’t play a show, I wouldn’t release music. But so then, I have to get past a lot of very protective parts of my brain in order to dig in. What if I wanted to practice piano for an hour a day and really get better at my craft? I’m sure I’ve said this in so many words in other installments of embarrassment studies newsletter year, but I want to be able tolerate trying something, really wanting it to go well, and it going imperfectly instead. I went to the ballet and I watched the lead ballerina absolutely slaying, and I both had the internal dialogue of, diva I’m so worried about your ankles, and also the internal dialogue of, How cool would it be to get that good at your craft? To achieve that specific level of technical perfection? Alex talked me down from that haha. I am so hard on myself still, all of the time. I fixate on details I don’t get right. And my usual response is to get busy doing something else. But what if I could be with myself through the discomfort of staying with a practice? Tracking my progress? I think I’ve come a long way this year in my relationship with music, learning guitar parts for Daniel’s project, taking music theory classes, practicing more, and starting the process of writing the next album in earnest. But then my urge is to tell you about how I will continue to improve next. Perhaps some of my discomfort nudges me to write off the progress I’ve made thus far. I say, here is how I can be better. I have a plan of action, don’t worry! What if I dared to be proud of where I am now? Even if someone else looked at my progress and said, yikes for you!

I’ve certainly said this before, but I also tend to approach my work by breaking one rule first—for instance, in a poem I’ll come up with a reason for a broken form, so that the goal cannot be perfection, or loyalty to a certain standard. I think that can be really interesting and generative and I’ll say it! queer in its methodology. I was remembering when I was on the big deal National Poetry Slam team at my venue in Boston. I was talking with my coach at the time, (I was, I think, 21 or 22 to give you a sense. Still in college.) and we were having a back and forth on our approach to learning and writing poems. And I was insisting that new work would feel more alive and naturally more successful in the competition. My coach argued that the work that had proved the strongest in our repertoire, the stuff that had gotten us on the team, should be what we focus on. In a blockbuster movie kind of way, I think my impulse to want to create from the heart was correct. But I also am thinking about, and am often finding myself haunted by, what my coach said. She wanted to stay in the work we already had, and get really, really good at it. I’m always itchy to be writing, creating new work, because to me, that’s what it means to be in the work of being an artist. And that’s true, but it also means I’m constantly denying my past work, distancing myself from previous versions of myself and my story. I’m too impatient to sit still in something and get better. Alex caught me doing that with Even More Meat and Phantasmagossip Wednesday night, as I tried to articulate why my approach to storytelling for the next album, the next book, is soooo much better. If I’m busy enough, if I move fast enough, if I’m always posturing as a student, of course I will be learning. But it also allows me to pretend that wasn’t me back there, working so hard on my debut album, putting my heart and soul into an imperfect process.

So what did I do this past year? Oh divas, very much.

• I sang and played back up for my friends in Kulfi Girls, and for Daniel Sohn

• I released my poetry chapbook with YesYes Books, Phantasmagossip, and toured off of it

• I played so many shows! I headlined PhilaMoCA on my birthday! I produced a show at my very favorite place: Franky Bradley’s! I learned so many covers I could play two and a half hours at Glen Foerd, that beautiful mansion on the water.

• I filmed and put out three music videos. I am so wildly proud of “Twos” and the team of people who worked on it.

• I started working with my wonderful band manager, Brenna!!! I signed with an extremely cool label, Audio Antihero, and have learned so much from angel Jamie who runs it!

• I recorded and released a deluxe album with that label, called The Secret Ingredient is Even More Meat!

• Me and Alex got legally married and also engaged to be married, in that order :)

• I got laid off, and really stuck by myself through that time. I didn’t rush into another awful job situation.

• I finished a first draft of a book-length poem about my sense of self-worth being so tied up in work and Capitalism

• I ran a half-marathon

• I was a stage manager for Cannonball Festival and learned about sound engineering

• Recorded a live session with Y-Not radio

• I took an ear training class, a music theory class, a songwriting class with Brian Eno, and continued my weekly piano classes

• I went to my first writing residency in Knoxville

• I put out a song on this compilation album fundraiser for Palestine Children’s Relief Fund, and sang back-up for Daniel’s song on it.

• I finished a first draft of my novel

• I started a new full time job doing work that does actually matter to me

• I officiated my brother’s wedding

• I published work in Salt Hill, Muzzle, Fairy Tale Review, and Passages North

• I did an in-conversation event for my friend Mariah’s book :)

• I modeled for the Wax Jaw album cover and boy do I love their music

• Taught Alex’s dad a poetry course :)

• I hung out with friends more often

Here is what I listened to this year!! I thought Wednesday would be #1 but turns out I love Japanese Breakfast more than life itself! Shocker! (I did go out and buy black lipstick after seeing photos of Ms. Wednesday wearing it and I feel like that is my new era!!!)

I’ve been feeling extraordinarily spent the last month of 2025. Since I got back from the writing residency, I have noticed how different I feel. Whether it’s winter and the time change, or how emotionally spent I was after that trip, or continuing a routine of waking up at 6am to try and write, I am finding myself feeling completely exhausted. Zenaida pulled a 5 of swords reversed for me for this last moon cycle. They said, It is time for reconciliation; either with other people or with yourself. What is needed for forgiveness to be possible? I pulled a five of cups yesterday which said, You may blame yourself or believe you’re a victim of life’s circumstances. These negative emotions are holding you back from your fullest potential. Forgive yourself and others. and also, It’s okay to take a break to mend your heart. And the Empress, who said, Discover different approaches to expressing yourself creatively.

I’ve been sitting down at my computer each morning to write but I feel stagnant, I have nothing to say, I’m so tired. What is needed for forgiveness to be possible? What do I even need to forgive?

The only time I don’t feel exhausted right now is when I’m with friends—at the diner with Tanz and Jessie, playing cards at 2am with Daniel and Vyette, yelling over the din after $5 Fridays with Franky Bradley’s, seeing friends at Marsha’s karaoke. I’ve been feeling like I need a refresh on my creative routines, but I wonder if some good long walks, followed by cooking for people I love, is the place to start. Something gentle!

Alex and I finished Twin Peaks: The Return this month. We were babysitting for our friends Von and Abby and it was snowing a little and we ordered Indian food. The final scene gave me chills, and (without huge spoilers) I was left feeling so grateful for the way David Lynch is able to deliver us to a big mysterious sadness. It was not exactly upsetting to me—-it was more like, he is able to articulate this specific feeling of our human experience, something that often leaves me feeling lonely, hopeless, full of dread, but in seeing it reflected in this mysterious and strange way, allows me to feel less lonely in that. I love that there is no 1:1 meaning. I love being left with a lot of questions but sort of having to accept that I won’t have an answer to everything. I love the strangeness and eeriness. I was really really moved by the ending. Alex said the Return is almost hostile to people who wanted it to just be the exact same experience of the original Twin Peaks. The Return is doing its own thing. It makes me appreciate stillness. It makes me want to listen harder to my internal dialogue, and create more moments of quiet to see what emerges.

I have this long list of things I’d like to get done over the break: preparing my fiction sample for Tin House (I got into winter workshops this year!!), finishing any fellowship or residency apps on my list—like Folger Shakespeare, Colgate, DiTrapano, Anderson Center, editing song lyrics, and drafting a couple songs from ideas I have to bring back to the boys on the other side of the break. But I’d also like to give myself some longer days alone wandering around the city and trying to listen.

Some resolutions for the new year:

• In preparing for writing my next album, Good Night Hot Clown, I spent this past year studying embarrassment and clown. This next year I will be studying the hot part!

• I’d like to do mushrooms one (1) time

• have genuine fun planning the wedding with Alex

• think less about defining gender and just follow what feels true every day

• be a good friend, be proactive about seeing people I love!

• Work on trusting myself more and being on my own team.

• save money <3

• I’ve been really enjoying cooking recently. Made pickle soup today and Martha Stewart’s insane egg nog yesterday. I want to broaden my repertoire this year!

• I’d like to finish writing and demo-ing Good Night Hot Clown. I’ve been talking about it since 2023 and I really believe I’m ready to follow through on all the ideas and pieces I’ve started. I’ve been talking more-in depth with friends about how to frame performance and narrative for the album too, and I’d really like to have like, at least a draft of the live show that I’m practicing and playing out.

• keep learning about native plants and about urban farming. I’ve been watching a ton of YouTube videos of farmers sharing their tips and tricks and I’ve been enjoying the learning process in this job which feels so different from my learning process with the arts and with music.

• get back to learning Italian - find a way to practice conversational speaking

• find more poetry community in Philly

• keep plans simple!

See you in the new year :)

Sara Mae